You dread a scene. Especially the one where Aunt Sula tosses back three too many glasses of chardonnay and stands up to propose a toast. Only it’s less a “toast” and more a “rendition of “American Pie” that stops only after she tips face first into her slice of lemon sponge with raspberry coulis.”
Unless you don’t serve alcohol (not an option), or employ a long-suffering cousin to pluck the wine glass out of Aunt Sula’s hand all night, you’re stuck with guests who imbibe freely. Instead of bemoaning your booze-ridden fate, recruit one of your fiance’s brawny friends to play bouncer. Not so much to toss Aunt Sula out on her gold lame-bedecked hindquarters but to walk up and snatch the microphone out of her hand before she gets to the second wavering chorus.
Now that Aunt Sula is properly corralled, let’s take a look at Cousin Milton. If you know Cousin Milton will be grabbing the luscious peach chiffon derrieres of your bridesmaids, use your bachelorette party to teach evasive maneuvers. If their derrieres really are that luscious, they’ll already well-schooled in avoiding drunk men in argyle sweaters. If they’re not (Milton’s not going to notice the difference after four gin and tonics), they’re probably quite willing to subtly stomp on his wing-tipped toes. Appoint your brother official Toe Stomping Practice Dummy.
Every family has its tippler, but not to worry. Find brave souls who are willing to step in. If all contingency plans fail, tell the photographer to snap shots of the action. Because every family function needs framed talking points.